Rest in Peace

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I never thought it would come to this,
You there—me stuck here.
I cannot even move—frozen—
What can I even really begin to say?

It isn’t supposed to be like this.
This isn’t truly who I am—

Who I am supposed to be
As I watch you—no, stare at you—
With a lasting longing only felt
By ghosts who linger in loss,
Or by those for whom

Loss is the lingering.

I trace your soul with sliced eyes,
Those onion-lines obscuring my view.
I remember you just as you were…
as you are.

Loving, caring, compassionate—
Genuine, giving, gracious—

You really were…
Are those things…

No more.

Not permanently erased,
But phantom muscle memories of
Holographic images—

Likenesses that remind me
Of those times—that era—
When I was open to the whole world

Even as that world weaponized
My own heart against

Me.

I never thought I’d be here,
Staring at you in the mirror
As if you were in a hospital bed

And I, a looking-glass governor
Seeing the innocence dying
Like embers in the morning light,

I pause—weep—
For I must now let you go, my love.
The time has come for you
To fly away

This night.

Even as fright comes in death,
And I never got to love you
The way I should have—

The way I cursed you,
Hated you for what others did,
Berated you for being bullied,
Belittled you for being punished,
Guilted you as if you were gutless,
Flagellatd you with ferocity

For fear

Others were right,
That you were wicked,
Worth being whipped like cream,
Isolated in a frost-bitten dream,
Left to scream into the deaf void.

I never said I loved you
Because I never believed

I was worth love

And, now that I know I am,
I can only learn to love
The me I have become—
Not run away back into my own

Self-hate.

I hope it is not too late to try;

I am scarred, I miss you—
I really don’t want you to die.
But I must go, leave, be gone.
Keep my love,

You should have had it all along.

To you,
Former me,

Rest in peace,
I pray you are finally free.

© 2026 Tristan Robert Lange. All rights reserved.

Tittu